So, here I am, in my own flat, on my own, at Christmas.
I'm working. I'm the most single I have been since 2007 (in that I *am* single, but there is a potential development being carefully explored). I have a home. I have a cat. I am an Auntie three times over! I'm embracing my spiritual life again. I'm fitter than I've probably ever been. I'm pretty sensible with life in general. I can look after myself, and do.
Upstairs I have a bag of wrapped presents from some of my family, that I will open alone tomorrow, whenever I choose to get up. I have just the right amount of cards to go up on my corkboard & the mantlepiece. I have a pile of vouchers and a few presents already in use. I'm both over- & underwhelmed by it all. I went upstairs a while ago and it just hit me again - I'm here. Finally. here.
I have been fighting forever to get to this place.
A place just for me, a space where I am not waiting on anyone else to follow through their promises, where I can just do what I want, just for me. I depend entirely on myself, for everything. If I fall apart, I look after myself enough that I can go on. If I rejoice, I feel my heart swell. I'm not giving myself away now, not pouring my heart out beyond empty into anyone else. And that feels so strange, but also, good, right.
I miss having someone to cook for, someone to hold me through the nightmares, to fall asleep & wake up next to, to share stupid in jokes with when I find something I want to chatter about inanely. But I don't miss the cost. The cost has almost always been too high, just always actually, if I'm honest. Because no one has ever given me back what I gave to them, not for ever, not unconditionally, despite how many times it was promised unasked for.
Anyway. This is finally my christmas. Christmas is about the birth of the new light from the blesséd mother, from blood and pain and longing and despair. I can really appreciate that this year and I have been praying to and meditating with Mary, Elen, Freyja, it's been utterly moving to open myself back up, alone; all one.
I am ready
to call in the light